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Now, I know a lot of your are not going to think this is funny. It's an exgerated, bullshit, rapid fire delivery with sound effects and facial expressions. When I tell a story I give you all the sound effects of a movie. O.K.? When I would tell this story I am laughing my ass of and having a good time. I hope you enjoy it, in the manner it is meant to be: Entertaining. I made a guy laugh so hard he fell off a bunker into a mud hole. I all most fell, too, I was laughing so hard.
I'm assigned to divisional headquarters artillery division, DIVARTY. I work as a raido telephone opperator (RTO) on a forward observation team (FO). I didn't learn until after I was out of the army for 30 years it is considered the most dangerous job in the military. I didn't know what kind of shit I was in and I guess that helped me, a lot! I thought every one went through what I did. Man, was I stupid:))). It is also one of the most isolated jobs around. No one wants to get close to you.
Any way, I work out in the field with infantry units and call in artillery, gun ships and air support. I work with a senior non commissioned officer or an officer. The NCO's taught me more shit than any one ever could have taught me. I had my own private instructor and I paid attention. We would go out on missions and stay with a unit as long as they were in contact and then, either, go back to the rear or go to another unit. This story takes place on my day in first the division I was in. I told this story to a group of men on guard duty the 1st night of my 2nd tour in my second division.
Man, im getting my mother fucking shit ready to get back out in the field. so, i don't know when i'll be back i. i'm going to shit and shower and get my shit together. I walk past this shower and it's 12 stall shower and it's full. i walk down to the shitter and it's full. It's a 9 holer!:) Fucking shit for Rear Eschalone Mother Fuckers (REMF's) amazed me. Im talking about unbelieving what I'm seeing. Don't mean nuthin so i walk back to the shower and return to the shitter. One hole is open.
I go in and am sitting there listening to all this bullshit and ass kissing and thinking where in the fuck am i? all i gotta do, in the field is my job and stay alive. what a bunch of shit, you diggin me? its like back in the states and we're getting rocket attacks so i'm doing my business and all this bull shit is going on when i say: man that jet (imagine a screaming jet engine over your car):) is.... i never got out the word low. Man, something told me that anit no jet.
I hit the ground, duoomush (ear splitting crash. now i'm making all these sounds for you so you gottta know this is funny) and the shitter is shreaded by an exploding rocket. I grab a pice of toilet paper, wipe my ass and alsmost lost my fingers my ass was puckered so tight:) and grab the door. a lifer says wait for the 2nd one, we wait no sound and we run. im running holding my pants up in one hand and trying to spot a bunker to dive in. i slip on a rock and fall, drop my pants, pull em back up and i'm alone. all these REMF's left me for dead. but i know where a bunker is and i'm headng for it. another loud scream (holy shit) and i dive into the dirt. safe that one was off to the side the bunker is straight ahead. im up and runnin again. shit how the fuck does that bunker keep getting further away? im running again and hear that sound again. i hit the dirt and saw the rocket hit on the other side of the bunker im runnin too and that bunker dont look all that hot. fucking pit vipers and scorpions but shit that fucking rocket was near that bunker fuck this shit im running back the other way. i know there's some officers tent and its gotta have a bunker. it does but the fucking door is naile shut i cant rip it opern and i hear that scream again and i hit the ground.
i swear i see that fuckin rocket stop in mid air about 18 inches off the ground i saw the full length of it three of the tail fins and numbers on the side. theres about an 8 inch gap between the tail and the flames and im thiking to myself: i didn't know they did that!:) oh man it makes you wonedr how i ever lived. and the crassuush and bllinding llight and i looking at the sky and ground and realize im flyin through the air i see the ground and see it coming up. boom, bounce like a doll im fine i dont feel shit i try to get up and fall down i look down and im covered inblood but those fucking rockets are still coming in and im gettin into that bunker. i rip open the tent and get into the bunker. safe i made it and all the REMFs are there and say we thought you was dead and then i realize im hit bad and start screaming at these fucker and cussing and the medic arrives and says: I knew it was you you're the only person who swears the way you do.
My father told me, after I got out of the army. He had never heard som of the words I use when I swear. so this is a clean version.
this is part of a copywrited play. please, do not use.
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