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Ponderisms
A friend sent me these and I actually laughed out loud, so I thought I'd share 'em here.
Ponderisms
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. Life is sexually transmitted.
7. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
9. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
10. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
11. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
12. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
13. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
16. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
17. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
18. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
19. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
20. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
21. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
22. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
23. Do you ever wonder why you read my blogs?
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Added on: 01/06/07 11:44
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20. I used to be a professional improv comedian.
19. I sleep with a tattered stuffed mouse named Mouse.
18. I can hold entire conversations while completely asleep.
17. I can go through a 12-pack of Diet Mountain Dew in one day, but I'm trying to drink water.
16. I survived the 7.1 Loma Prieta earthquake in California in 1989, and I was less than 10 miles from the epicenter. It was my first earthquake.
15. I absolutely LOVE office supplies.
14. I was once a roadie for a rock and roll band.
13. I learned to read when I was three years old.
12. I used to paint abstract paintings purely out of anger.
11. I wear a size 9 1/2 shoe, but I always end up buying a 10 because they never have my size.
10. I have this delicate little sneeze, which has been described as "having a fairy trapped in my nose" or "my little toy sneeze" or "you sneeze like a cartoon mouse." I once had a therapist tell me there was a delicate, genteel young woman trapped inside my body, and my sneeze was her only outlet.
9. My favorite color is purple, but I rarely wear it.
8. I enjoy picnicking in graveyards.
7. My nickname used to be Yukon, Queen of the White Wasteland.
6. My three favorite movies (today, anyhow) are Harold and Maude, O Brother Where Art Thou, and V for Vendetta.
5. I only wear white gold, silver, or platinum. I don't know why I don't like yellow gold, I just don't.
4. Shoes.
3. Puppets.
2. I am terrified of earwigs, also called silverfish. Roaches are pretty yukky too.
1. I almost married my stalker.
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Added on: 10/20/06 19:02
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geek
Sometimes I'm just such a geek... but hell, geeking out is fun!
I searched for and found a cool piece of javascript code, which keeps a running count of how many days it's been since I quit smoking... so I could post it on the front page of my site, and everyone can keep track!
It was so cool, because I almost got through the whole process of installing the code without help. My friend "G" ended up helping me at the end, I hadn't cleaned up the .js file I'd created. But everything else, I did right! I'm getting there. It's so cool learning to read this stuff... I can't write it yet, but maybe someday! In the meantime, I'm having a lot of fun working on my site and making it do neat things.
Be sure to check out the main page of my site and see how many days it's been since I quit smoking!
/geek
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Added on: 09/13/06 17:59
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I have been having so much fun lately. I bought a paper shredder. I know it doesn't sound like that much fun, but I get off on office supplies. Just going into Office Max gets me wet, I swear.
I bought the shredder because I print out emails so that I can refer to them while I respond, but I didn't want to just throw them into my trash where anyone could read them. So I've built up this stack of paper several hundred sheets high. Something had to be done, as it was in danger of toppling and possibly killing someone.
I bought the most powerful shredder Office Max had, and have been having no end of fun making little bitty tiny pieces of paper. I didn't get one of those strip shredders -- this one makes confetti. No chance of anyone putting things back together.
I'm shredding my junk mail too... no chance of identity theft via my trash now!
I love my shredder!!!
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*
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Added on: 07/24/06 20:29
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Well, my 20 year high school reunion is being held at the end of May. I'm excited, but nervous. It will be fun seeing all those people from so long ago.
Still, I look at my life now and think... this is not what I pictured myself doing 20 years ago! I thought I'd be married (I'm divorced) have a couple of kids (I have one), have a book published (I'm working on it!)... but I never imagined myself working as an escort.
Now, what do I tell people at the reunion about my job? I could say that I'm a freelance writer and editor, dabbling in web design... which is true. But it's fun to think up amusing ways to say what ELSE I do... I'm a Professional Fellatrix. I'm studying nude acrobatics. I'm a... what? Suggestions? My favorite suggestion so far: "Split-Tailed Mattress Thrasher." LOL
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*
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Added on: 02/20/06 19:03
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I like kissing. It's not something every girl is willing to do... and there was a time when I didn't do it myself. Kissing was too intimate, too personal somehow. It was something I saved for my lovers in my personal life, not something I would ever do professionally.
But now I like it. I enjoy greeting someone at the door with a big wet kiss, like they were an old lover come back to me.
The most amazing lovemaking begins with the simple and yet completely magical kiss. Kissing can be the most intense, satisfying experience and yet we forget it so often. Especially people in long-term relationships, kisses become perfunctory, a brief smack, nothing more.
But I believe kissing is even more intimate than sex itself. In that moment, we are unable to speak, to communicate. We cant give voice to any thought. Our sole means of communication is that kiss, and with it we can communicate hesitancy, shyness, intense desire, overwhelming lust, passion. A kiss can be languid and slow, leisurely. A kiss can be intense and devouring, shutting out everything else. We simply let go and feel.
It's a wonderful way of communicating with someone new... a kiss says so much about who we are, how we approach lovemaking. Do we dive in and take all? Or go slow and gentle, teasing?
I wonder how many other ladies in the business kiss. I know it's quite common here in the U.S., but I wonder about the women in the rest of the world. For those that don't kiss... what are we afraid of? Disease? Or intimacy? Or something else?
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*
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Added on: 02/05/06 22:07
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It's hard to believe that 11 years ago, we were homeless. My daughter and I spent Christmas in a motel. I scraped up enough for a tree, and I strung lights everywhere all over the motel windows.
We had given notice at one place, because we thought we had another place to move into... and then that fell through, and our current landlord had already rented our place to someone else. So we had to leave, and we had nowhere to go.
We were lucky that we could get that crappy motel with the tiny kitchenette. So we weren't all the way homeless. We didn't have to go to shelters. But we did have to go to church food banks for food, and get food stamps and welfare. It was a hard life. You know you're poor when you're stealing toilet paper out of gas station bathrooms.
Today we own a house and have loads of presents under the tree. It isn't perfect, there's always some problem that must be dealt with (today we had to paint over the graffitti some kids put on the fence)... but it's OUR fence, OUR home. We have plenty of food that we were able to buy, not depending on the kindness of churches and government handouts.
I am grateful for my life today, that this Christmas will be a happier, more secure one that that Christmas 11 years ago. But I think of all the people who are homeless this holiday season (54% of all homeless people are children) and I think, what can I do?
I'm giving money to the Colorado Coalition for the Homeless. I hope that, in some small way, I can help someone who's having a homeless Christmas.
Happy holidays everyone!
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*
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Added on: 12/23/05 23:52
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Hooker haiku!!!
Try it, it's fun!
every day email
electric invitations
voices from nowhere
a burning desire
flames of passion lick upward
the wood chars and dies
the night is lonely
fire crackles in the stillness
heat unrequited
tits, twat, cunt, whore, slut
breasts, vagina, lady
language mocking me
there she sits, writing
a prize-winning novel? No!
meaningless haiku
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*
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Added on: 12/19/05 23:46
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Hi everyone!
I'm collecting your stories of the kinkiest, weirdest things a client has ever wanted/asked you to do. I'm working on a new rant on weird fetishes and need great stories!
Regular old BDSM just isn't weird enough though... has to be the far out stuff.
I'll kick it off with a story: Eons ago, in California, I was teaching my partner how to do BDSM sessions. One day she had a submissive client come to see her. She escorted him back into the bedroom, collected his fee, and then came back out into the living room where I was. "This guy is really weird," she said nervously. "He says he has a fantasy of having his penis strapped into a jar of live bees." I said, "Whoa, that is weird. Better watch him carefully."
She went back into the bedroom. About thirty seconds later, she came roaring back out of the room, like her lingerie was on fire. "Oh.. My... God! He HAS a jar of live bees with him!!!!"
We gave him his money back and showed him the door.
So what are your weird stories, anything good? Please email me at beverlyfisher@comcast.net ... anything goes!
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*
P.S. be sure to check out my Slut Rants at http://www.beverlyfisher.com/rants.htm ... I've just posted two new ones, one about bisexuality and the other on prostitution and the Internet. Hope you like them!
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Added on: 12/06/05 20:29
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People are always asking me about the name Beverly Fisher, why I chose it.
I chose Beverly because I wanted a "B" name, as my real name starts with "B," and also because it's a bit of a joke. "Beverly" is old English; it means "the beaver stream." LOL! I like Beverly because it sounds old-fashioned and sweet, but possibly naughty... I do want to appeal to clients over 30.
I chose "Fisher" as a tribute to Kitty Fisher (her portrait is attached). She was an 18th century courtesan who did very well for herself. She was known for her beauty, wit, and horse-riding skills, was an aspiring actress, and was one of the first courtesans to keep liveried servants. She made and spent terrific amounts of money, and ended up marrying well.
I know I've gotten to the point where I think of, and talk about, Beverly in the third person. Like she's someone else, and yet still me.
xxxooo
Beverly ;-*
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Added on: 11/05/05 19:51
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