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sorry not been around. this is short. skiing accident. right (main) arm in cast. bashed up (helmeted!!) head. hospital 5 days. drugs. blur. etc. back soon.
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Added on: 04/10/06 07:56
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Ive had this film on my shelf a while, and always meant to watch it. A photographer friend of mine said i should watch it for inspiration for shoots. Anyway, i popped it in the laptop tonight, and erm, i dont know what else to say, but wow!!
This has to be one of the most incredible films ive ever seen. Not in the way that LOTR is awesome, or Hugh Grant movies are gooey, just in a, blah, not sure i can put it in one sentence kinda way.
Im so so so jelous of Lee. I had that fantasy back in 2004 when i was looking for a secretarial job!! And it reminded me its been over a year since my last SM experience. I want more of that.
For people who know nothing about the SM thing, they do a fantastic portrayal. After my first experience, which at the time shocked me, i just wanted more. Had to have more, went to crazy lengths to get more (ok, not crazy, but i was going to clubs alone, which is very unlike me, becuase i wanted to have!). The look in her eyes perfectly portrays exactly what i think anyone who is initiated into that side of the relationship feels.
And the cutting stuff too, very powerful, very moving, and oh so so so erotic!
A must for all to see. What i need to do now is go find me a nice boss for whom to be behave very very badly.
xx
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Added on: 03/24/06 22:40
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So, today, i had a call for an outcall, quite a ways away. I had spoken to the guy a few times, asked him to call back and stuff as i was busy, so i was feeling ok about it. He sent 4 texts throughout the day, which noramlly puts me on edge, from my experience, guys who text inccesantly, tend to be timewasters. Eitherway, i get in the cab head off, call him to let him know im on the way, its all good. But i had a get feeling that was wrong, but i didnt listen to it. So i get there, and sure enough he's not there.
And this is where it gets weird. His flatmate answers the door, i ask for the guy, and he says, hes not around, would i like to wait for him. I say ok go in, and spend some time with his flatmate to see if he turns up in a bit. His flatmate said he was at the hospital with his mum, which is the same thing he said on the phone, but also that he was heading back.
Anyway, eventually i leave. Call again, it rings, he answers, i say hi, he hangs up. 3 minutes later i get a text (saying its from his flatmate, not the guys number) mate saying the guy's mum had passed away, and he was asked to pass on apologies etc. I ignore it, not going to be drawn into texting whilst im angry.
Then it gets even weirder, the flatmate says he fancies me, but that he shouldnt say so because im probably dating the guy (hahaha) and wants me to come back. Was soo tempted to text a price to him :p, but i dont want to expose the guy as having called an escort if it is all a genuine mistake....
So, im in a conundrum. It sounds vaguley plausible that his mum was in hospital, especially given the flatmate proffered this information without promting. Yet, who would organise an escort to come over if their mum was about to die. And why draw the flatmate into it, why not text me a sorry himself.
Im not sure what to do. It might be genuine. But even if it is, it still cost me money. I could ask him to send me the cost of the cab via paypal or something, but dont want to call so soon after his mum passed away, if indeed she did. And i dont want to post his details on escortwatch incase it totally is all real, and was just an unfortunate seet of circumstances.
What should i do? Any suggestions
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Added on: 03/20/06 19:34
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So last night i took my first incall in my new place. Not quite sure how it made me feel. Kinda weird ish.
I guess it goes something like : I enjoy outcalls to hotels, they are fun. Walking through the lobby wondering who knows and stuff. Fancy hotel rooms with good champagne. Big sprawling beds, freebies from the bathrooms, the leaving hotel later, and having the doorman get you a cab and all that. Its fun. And guys who are in hotels on a business trip, whilst they might not make for repeat business as much as potentially incall guys, ive always felt (from conversations ive had with potential clients, and from last night), they are very different. Money for them is not an issue, they dont worry about "filling their time" and *never* ask for discounts. So in short, outcalls to hotels are fun.
Incalls, ive discovered, are a very different sort of buscuit. The number of times im asked if i can do half an hour, or do anything for 100 and stuff like that is insane. Ive always said no, my rates are my rates, and thats that. The number of times (even in this one week that i have been offering incalls) that guy's have asked "can i cum more than once" (ok, so 3 times, but thats more than the never ive been asked re outcalls). And i guess based on the experience of last night, it was just very different. Ok, so my place is small (very small), but nicely finished (i went on quality over size when i rented, nothing worse than things like holes in the walls, and bad wiring etc), and such not as "easy" to use as a spacious hotel room. I dunno, maybe i cant explain it. It wasn't bad, but i felt much more used. I cant explain why, grr, i wish i could. I think it has something to do with the, i enjoy the whole hotel experience, alltogether its more fun. Lots of benefits. I feel like im doing it for more than just the money. Whereas with the incall, it felt like it was jsut for the money. Where are the extra benefits?
Anyway, thoughts and stuff, what can you do. Ill have more of a think, and write more soon.
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Added on: 03/19/06 17:25
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So, i was uplast night doing some editing for video clips, and it got to about 4am. I decided it was time to head to bed, but no sooner than i had fallen asleep (and hour later), my phone rings, i answer it, not even looking at it. Hello. I hear lots of giggling and talking, i think funny. And this guy is like, can you come to my hotel, ive got a load of girls here, and we'd like you to join us. So i does all the formal stuff, and i decide to go. It was soo much fun. He had a few escorts round already. This was the first time id been in a situation with other escorts, which is kinda interesting anyway.
Either way, he payed for two hours, but i statyed for just over 3, cos i was having much fun (probably not very proffesional, but hey).
Primarily, cos he wanted me and this escort to play together alot. Which apparently i enjoy. So there goes the question on my sexual orientation. Oh well, i still enjoy men, but in a very different way.
Anyway, it was good to meet other girls, and my number has been passed around, and i have peoples numbers, which is nice.
Yay. I like nights like that.
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Added on: 03/10/06 04:00
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So,
So this guy i saw recently called me up today, and said he would like to see me again, but would also like me to bring a girl with me. I told him i would think about it and see what i could do. I don't have a problem doing this, its just i wouldnt have a clue about finding / asking someone, since ive never done that in a working situation before. Any suggestions? I dont want to dissapoint him if at all possible.
Sarah xx
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Added on: 03/06/06 07:04
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So,
ive not been on a call for like over a week and a half now, almost two. I know there are always quiet patches, especially (presumably) the end of the month before people are paid (saying that, it could also be end of the month, spare cash syndrome hmm, anyway), its just that my phone hasnt rung for a single outcall. A fair few incalls (as many as i've had in previous weeks).
So, ive been thinking that im going to rent somewhere to work from.
Ive seen somewhere i like. Its within my budget (less than 1 client cost per week). Its a studio apartment, so just a single room with kitchen surface, single bed, and shower room at back. Its really pretty, and in a safe and good (read posh) location, thus the cost for such a small place.
Ive not said the final yes yes, but i think i will.
Alicia xx
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Added on: 03/05/06 07:47
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Ive just watched that film, about Brandon Teena, The ftm transsexual murdered back in 1993. Along with being a very sad film, it really scared me. Ive been so blase about being safe. About how it will always be ok. I ve read all the media about transsexual people who have been murdered, but never really associated the posibility with myself. Yet, how long can i really do that for? There are some crazy people out there who quite possibly would do that to me! It makes me wonder about how sensible it really is to attempt not to be out. To try to live my life in a way where few people know. Its probably ok at the moment. University is generally quite a safe place. But i wont be living in university accomodation forever. I wont be a student forever. At some point i will go back to the real world. And what then.
Its weird thinking like that. I dont want to think like that. I dont want that to be part of who i have to be. And yet, there is pretty much nothing i will ever be able to do about that. Unless i choose to live life as an out person. Which kinda defeats the whole point of what im doing.
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Added on: 02/23/06 21:09
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Sorry, its been ages and ages (i really am quite bad at this!!).
I have been moderatly ill for about 2 and half weeks, and my sleep pattern is buggered. This really isn't that healthy, but, what can you do. I would quite like to shake it, and live a normal pattern again, but it just inst happening. I think partly becuase i get times like this to myself. I mean really to myself, so much so that even if i sit in the common room of this building housing over 200 people im still alone. I kinda lika that sometimes. It means i can really think. Yet, i never seem to work stuff out when i really think like this, and honestly, whilst i love my friends, i dont think any of them know me well enough to really help me work through some of my main issues at the moment. Which is why i resort to the self analysis type of thing.
Anyway, whats getting to me at the moment is relationships. Who i want them with, and how. For along time, ive said, very publically, that im a dyke. It works for me. Except there has always been a somewhat secrect aspect of myself that has, well, to be honest, liked cock. An avenue that has been explored almost exclusivley through my escorting.
But, i so infrequently see men that really turn me on, the same way that many women do. And im talking fully clothed here. To make things even more simple.
Yet, i really want to feel happy with a man, in a relationship. Its something that i really wish either a)i didnt want, or b)that i want it phyically aswell as mentally.
I guess what compounds all of this, is that for the first time in a very long time ive started wanting to be in a realtionship again. Why? Might be because of these long lonley nights awake with no one to drag me to bed, might be becuase im having lots of sex, and id probably rather have sex with a partner, than sex with a client, in the grand scheme of things, looking at life from a oddly angled transect. It might be these new drugs that im taking (which have massivley increased my sex drive...) or it might be my readdiction to insignificant television shows like scrubs, to which i get far to addicted, far to involved with, and cry far too much over. I idealise myself into relationships and situations the characters are in. This isnt something new, i did it when i was all alone in halls last time i was at university with as many american tv shows as i could download.
But ultimatley, where does this leave me? Sitting in my room at 6:39, having to be at a lecture at 10:00. Failing my degree course, and not undersanding the work. Wanting a realtionship, and also wanting more from my job. Wanting to be graduated, and wanting to undersatnd myself.
Damn i want alot of things.
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Added on: 02/21/06 00:39
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Sorry,
they just switched the drugs im taking, and im am so far out of control of my emotions its rediculous!
Gah.
And thyeve made me hungry and i overate.
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Added on: 01/30/06 21:05
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My batphone didn't ring once today. Well, that not entirley true, it rang once with a witheld number whilst i was in the middle of a seeing somone. Whilst i probably shouldn't, i do answer priavate number calls, but simply say that they will need to dial back from a visible number to discuss anything. Nevertheless, i guess i could say it didn't really ring. What happened? I know this is only my first proper week (with website, phone number and all), but its rung everyday since sometime last week when i put my number up on adultwork.
Maybe this is normal, it probably almost certainly is, but its got me paranoid that i'm not good enough looking or whatever (having been pointed at the website of the most stunning transsexual girl i have ever seen) or old news already, or something like that. I guess im worried becuase i just hit a money target that i had set for myself, and said i would go do some shopping, and pay off some bills. But, now that i dont have anything lined up till next wednesday im not so sure i want to do that. What if this is the end (i know its, not, im just having a hormonally irrational evening, blah, still, this is whats on my mind, so i might as well type it, even though i know ill feel better after some sleep). What if there is no more money. Should i really spend it on some inconsiquential clothing, accessories, and the obligatory bottle of champagne that i will insist on drinking on friday night when i see friends!.
Blah, i guess i just need to take them 'mones more regularily (would be easier if they sent the new prescription through - less pills per day, thus less chance to forget!!).
Sweet dreams all. xx
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Added on: 01/25/06 21:55
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So,
today, i had my first timewasting (non) client. And in quite a serious way. It was probably somewhat my fault, but i wasnt thinking straight, and i think the money somewhat blinded me...
So, i get this call yesterday - ".... can you come to near southampton tomorrow afternoon?"
So, says i, having looked at train fares. Yes, for 3 hours minimum plus n amount for travel expenses / time. The boy (ah, see this is the effect dollymop is having on me) says thats fine. So, i take his address, phone number full name etc and think ok, this is good, he's not been all hesitant giving anything to me, sounds fine.
Today, we talk again before i leave, and its fine. He keeps sending me text messages asking will i do this will i do that, which was quite annoying, as i hate text for this. Anyway, i put up with it, called him back and everything was still fine.
I get on the train (20), he calls me again, all good, and calls me once more (??) just before i pull into the station. When i finally get in, i get a text message - "Sorry, ive broken down in the car, can't see you today, sorry". So i call, thinking, ok, talk to me and tell me this, and lets work out what we can do. No answer. No answer on the landline either. I send a somewhat more angry text. And i get a AA man wil be here in an hour, sorry in reply. Again, i send a text saying i need to speak with him. He keep sending me bullshit and not answering his phone. I said id report him to the police (not sure what for, but hey) still nothing.
So there i am, in the middle of nowhere at a freezing cold station, with an age long wait for the 2 hour train ride back, having wasted half a day, and 20 for nothing.
Is there anything i can do?
I started crying, not sure why, i was just so fed up and angry that it happened. I wouldnt mind if it were local, so i loose an hour, but this was gonna be like 6 hours!! I call a friend, then when she answers can't tell her why im upset, becuase i dont want to do that over the phone (she doesnt know i escort yet)
Anyway (god this is a long post. Sorry, i know very verbatim and boring, nothing interlecutual, but it will be good for me to look back on one day!!) on the way back, i get another call. Who i end up meeting for a drink in waterloo when the train gets in, which turns into him saying he wants to spend some more personal time with me so we go insearch of a hotel!! (I really do wonder what the desk guy thinks when you get a room at 11:30pm, then check out at 2. Clearly he knows whats happened, which kinda feels nice, should it?)
We had a great time, he was a really nice guy. We had drinks, then dinner, then back to find a hotel room. And then he got me a cab back when we were finished. And on top of it all, he was the first client to buy me a present!! Its Hotel Bablon by Imogen Edward Jones & Anon. Looks like it might be quite an interested read. I thought it was a really nice touch to buy me something like that.
Now why can't most clients be like that!!
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Added on: 01/24/06 21:16
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So,
today i rented a house of this guy i know to use an an incall address. What a total waste of time it was. I had one timewaster who never turned up, which meant that i turned down an outcall becuase he only wanted it at a certain time, and i never saw anyone else here. I did one outcall after that, so atleast i made some money, but lost out on the rent.
I guess im kinda annoid. Infact i know i am, becuase i ate an enitre domino's pizza. Which makes me feel even worse.
But hey, i guess we learn!
I could have stayed at home, and now, instead of having tot totdy a house, and then get three night busses back home, i could just get into bed.... and theres no way im spending another 20 on a taxi today!!
So the question is, should i try this again, in say two weeks time, wait for my identity to be known more, see if i can take bookings in advance, or should i just forget incalls and just do outcalls.
What i really need is my own apartment (which i want irrespective of incalls / escorting at all), where it doesn cost me any extra to provide them. But thats kinda obvious.
Blah, im ranting. Sorry. Should stop, and make an attempt to move off this couch!!
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Added on: 01/22/06 18:33
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So,
my new website is finally ready. I use another pseudonym for my work, becuase i want this journal to remain quasi anonymous, but im gonna post this link sho that interested people can follow it and have a look, however in 10 days or something im going to delete it again. If after that you want to know my website, please pm me and i can send you the link. Basically i dont mind people linking this journal with my escort site, but i dont want google doing that, becuase its more fun this way.
Or something
<a href="http://www.aliciabond.com">http://www.aliciabond.com</a>
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Added on: 01/21/06 20:23
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You know to stop trying to tell a friend about being an escort, when your discussing the idea that you'd quite like to be a model, and she says "Naa, you don't want to be a model, it's awful thing to do, almost as bad as prostitution."
Right, so she's a lovely girl, one of my closest friends, and she needs to know, becuase i've had to turn down seeing her a few times now (she seems to have a nack for calling when im off to a meeting), and shes getting suspicous, but clearly barking up the wrong tree (No, im not seeing a girl... )
Oh well, im sure ill get drunk one night and blurt it straight out, normally the best way!!
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Added on: 01/19/06 20:25
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Apart from just now having to face up to the horror that is compiling the information for my personal tax return (oh how interesting that might be in a year or twos time, if m escorting takes off.... income from other sources.... details), and realising quite how blaze i was about money back in 2004, today, was one of the BEST days of my life.
So, i had my photoshoot today. It was incredible. I was at the studio for 5 and half hours, even though it was supposed to be 3-4 hours!! Everything just clicked really well with the staff there (photographer, makup / hair artists and secretary). I have never had someone really look at my body, take photos of it, and tell me what looks good and what doesnt, so it took me the first while to really let my body loosen up and relax into the whole malarky. But after that, i felt so free, it felt so good to pose for the camera!! Exhilerating and fun to see if the poses and expression i was coming up with were any good. Having so many people pay you soo much attention, is just incredible.
So i went through about 12 different outfits and apparently 350 photographs were taken!! They even gave me wine as the session went on!!! That was way more than i bargained for.
Wouldnt it be crazy if i could get into modelling.
I dont know, what do you think. Can a preoperative transsexual woman really be a model? Maybe im being crazy thinking of it, but maybe not. It really was so much fun, something i would love to do again. I think i'm going to use my portfolio of photographs more than just for my escorting website, but maybe send a few out to model agencies, see if i get any response. I guess what im trying to figure out is at what point to tell peole that i'm transsexual. I mean, after all, if someone sees my photos, likes the look that i have, and isnt after nude / underwear photos (and even if they are...:p) then does it even matter, do they even need to know. Argh, maybe this is something i need to talk over with some of my trans friends, i dont know.
Blah. My head is all over the place, i can't express how happy i was today. You know what, it was almost so good, that i dont need the photos to get my money's worth!!! Hmmm, but i still want them :p.
Yes. Indeed. Sleep.
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Added on: 01/18/06 20:56
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Woo.
Im going to have a session in a studio tomorrow to have some photos taken. Yay. Then i can finally upload my website and start advertising properly. I was looking for TFP type thing, but found a studio who after talking to about things seemed really nice, who will do the whole thing hair, makeup, outfit changes (provided outfits) and retouching of photos for a really reasonable price!! So i figured what the hell.
So, i had my hair cut today (first time in 5 months!!) and am soo excited, i cant sleep!
I hope i like them!
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Added on: 01/17/06 20:33
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Sorry i've not updated in a while.
So, i saw my second client this evening. And i really enjoyed it. I had a really interesting time with the guy, and he said he wants to see me again!! :-). So i guess that is the emotional response i was waiting for. I thought it would be something more serious, maybe something even to make me want to stop, i just wanted something, so that i would know how i felt about this. And now i know it can feel good. So, i know there will be really crap times, but then if there are good times too....
I guess its a good thing that i now a little bit more strongly that this is for me. I'm more happy about doing more advertising, getting my website sorted and stuff, becuase its probably not something that im gonna pull out of soon.
Oh, and on that, neither of my clients so far have come from the agency i was supposed to be advertisied by, they seem to have vanished into thin air. Oh well, i think i much prefer the independant route anyway, its not as much hastle as i thought it might be, and the money is definately better.
So all is well and good in the land of sarah. :-).
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Added on: 01/16/06 17:57
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Everyone around me knows that ive got various financial difficulties with college, its been one of my huge gripes that the government doesnt take me into account when it factors how much to give to whom. But, as usual, the apathy of the student populus kicks in, and when i start talking about doing something about this, people just ignore it. Anyway, thats not what i wanted to write about.
The rent on where i live has become due, and its more than my student loan covers, and as usual, we all make the comments about being fantastically broke, and not being able to afford bread and all that. Of course, conversation often turns to ways to make money, and along with robbing banks and casinos (our favourite), of course, being an escort always gets thrown in by someone somewhere, on a similar such level to robbing said banks.
Except now those conversations take on a whole new meaning for me. I wonder what my face gives away, becuase i havent got a clue what to say! This is part of what i do in my private life, i dont need to share it with the world (which seems somewhat ironic, but im just not in that place). Especially when on the way in from my first client (which was today), i bumped into a friend just back from scotland, a lovley guy, but quite, how can i say this, mysoginst. But not in a bad way, in a jokey, im saying it becuase you expect me too and all that, kinda way. He was just coming out of the office as i was coming into the building, with his cheque book in hand, and so, lo and behold, finances came in somewhere along the way, and of course, the whole shebang came up. I just smiled and laughed lightly.
It made me think : what would people's reaction be if i did say "well, actually, i do escort." And to be honest, i haven't got a clue.
I know one persons reaction, and she was great. I told one of closest friends in halls the other night, unfortunately when i was horrifically drunk, though, perhaps, sub conciously, i got drunk so that i could tell her...But, she's a close friend, i pretty much knew that it would be ok, and that she wont tell people. But its other people, aquantances (ok, i really can't spell that word) that i want to know about.
One of the reasons i am cautious, perhaps, is that i know when a group of people finds out i'm a transsexual woman, the dynamic between us changes, generally not for long, but just for long enough that i realise they know, and just subtly enough so that its not obvious and i dont get offended. It hasn't caused any major problems so far (well except my parents), but i like things the way they are no, i actually have really good friends for the first time ever, and i dont want that to change.
What's even more weird, is that i guess most people would think to an extent that im just doing this for the money, except, i'm not, which might make it all the more odd if they knew ;)
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Added on: 01/13/06 14:44
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Arghhh,
E Minus 7:20. Help. In that time i need to sleep, shower, and actually look at the text book!! Must sleep!!
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Added on: 01/11/06 20:55
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